Shall I explain ?!  Friday night I had my hair CUT off.  Since having children, my thick hair is now naturly wavy and we have gone from blonde to brown.  Now, I have very short (about 2 inches long all over)  that is wavy – not permy curly.  I love it.  Saturday I went with my sisters to get a makeover at Bare Escentuals.  Came home a little unsure – I do not wear alot of makeup – especially eye make up.  From the comments of my husband, maybe I should really start.  If it were not for the kids getting up and me trying to get ready for Church, it would have been “Game On”. 

So, it is now Monday – 11 DPO and I still feel so so.  Boobs are starting to feel heavy but no REAL signs of pg.  Not that I would not be happy of I was, but come on, Cady is barely 4 months.  Life would deff. be exciting.  Maybe tomorrow morning I will test.  Boy, I sure would shit if the digital said “pregnant” – with out the “Not”.

Well, the Dr.’s app went like this:

“Have you had intercourse lately?”, “yes”, “Did you use protection?”, “Pull and pray” (with a little laugh from me), “Well Angi, there is a good chance you are pregnant.  I can not schedule your tubal until next week – IF you start.  I can not even schedule blood work, it is too early to see if you are pregnant.”

So, here I am 8 dpo still feeling ill and sore from my wonderful fall down a flight of stairs on Wed and won’t even know what the hell is wrong with me until sometime next week.

I’m gonna take my sick ass to the bathroom to pee.

Holy Mother of Nausea !!! Where did you come from?  Did I eat too much last night?  Did I hurt something inside of me when I fell down the stairs?  Or are you trying to tell me something?  I feel like I could eat a Mack truck and vomit with the spinning headache I have.

Is it a Monday?!?!?

So, it’s been a while.  Where to start?  Was put on Lexapro for PPD or PMDD, the dr  can not figure out which is the cause and BC pills.  I was only on Lexapro for 1 week and BC Pills for 2 and quit both.  I was eating like a hog and even sleep eating.  I was finding cookie crumbs in bed and down my jammies.  NICE!

So, last Thursday, Dh and I decide to have a little fun in shower.  Remember , I stopped the pills.  So he does the “I’ll just pull out”, “no, honey, let’s go to the bed and get a condom”, “Trust me, I know what I’m doing”.  Let the dance begin and end with a knock on the door.  “Mommy are you in there?  What are you doing?”  So, yes he pulled out, but I think with the distraction, it might have been too late.  URG !!!  Oh, did I forget to mention, I was ovulating that DAY !!!  I do not mind another child, but DD is only 15 weeks.

Then on Friday,as I’m trying to hold myself together, my wonderful aunt from AK comes in town.  You know the one, she’s right and has perfect children and you are TRASH.  Well, Friday night everyone went to dinner except DH,DS, DD and I – we were not invited. “Your son just does not want to listen!” Wow, he’s 3 and has a 3 1/2 month old sister at home – shame on him – NOT!!  So saturday rolls around and the kids and I go over to my parents house to see her in the afternoon.  DS gets nothing but dirty looks and “Shame on You’s”, yes, it was time to leave.  Keep in mind he was not doing anything wrong – really.  So, that night we are invited over for dinner – do we go? NO,  the last time mom had dinner there, DH and I had to sit downstairs by ourselves – there was “NO room at the table”  We went down stairs, DS could play and not get introuble.  So, this time we ate at home and came over later.  DS gets in trouoble from the moment we arrived.  “Too loud”, “wants too many things”, “don’t run”  Well, we listened to it for a while, then, the “AUNT” decides it’s time to lay into me about how I am raising my son.  Yes, he knows bad words, but he doesn’t just hear them at home, he is not potty trained, the dr said it will be a while b/c of the sister being new.  The criticism went on.  THEN, my mom chimes in that I am letting a 3 yr old run our family.  I WAS DONE !!!  I packed up the kid in a matter of 2 minutes and dh and I went home.  So, I made a decision that in order to keep peace in my life and in our family I will no longer be spending time with my family.

Now it’s Tuesday, 5 DPO and I’m wondering “what if”  I know I have to wait a few more days to test, but this Thursday was the day to visit the OB/GYN and set the tubal appointment.  Only God knows what is in store for me.  I trust in him.

More of the saga to come later…….

Hat’s a pretty funny thing to say right after Thanksgiving, but when you consider my mother had a 10 pound turkey for 15 of us and dear husband’s family had ham.  Damn it I want so Turkey leftovers.  Guess I’ll be making a Turkey soon.

So, we are still debating who will have the “surgery”.  I like spontaneous sex, not “where’s the condoms since you will not take the pill”.  I hope he finally caves in.  Hell, I carried and gave birth to 2 children.  It’s only fair.

Did I mention, I NEED TURKEY?!?

Speaking of children, it’s been 2 months since my dear daughter has been born and WOW has she gotten chunky.  She now has rolls all over, I love it.  Dear son is still a toothpick that refuses to be potty trained.  He’s 3 and it’s about time.  I’m tired of the diapers.

Looks like I will be making a turkey breast tomorrow night when dear husband is home for dinner.  Off to shop.

Today is the day.  Yep, the 6 week check up.  Ever feel like you are on display?  For nine months the dr. checks you out almost every visit.  The last 6 weeks it is every week.  They watch you deliver and then you get the stitches and checked again.  6 weeks of blissful privacy and then you’re back in for another “showing”.  As you can tell, I am not looking forward to this.  That’s MY va-jay-jay. Why does he get to look?  Oh well, if it gets me a wonderful supply of birth control, I guess he can look. 

Now for the wonderful decision, temporary or permanent birth control.  I have 2 wonderful children, do I really want another?  DH will not get fixed, so I guess it is up to me to provide the “protection”.  That’s a heavy burden for someone who does not want to make that decision.  I’m going to leave this one up to God.  I feel like a complete family and financially we are tight right now.  BUT that doesn’t mean our lives will be like this in a few years.   OH, LIFE !!!! 

  Why did we have another child when the first one is hard to raise?  Now, “dear penis” wants to play knock knock on a door that really is not ready to open.  Someone needs to explain to “dear penis” that you can get pregnant again w/o protection (OH MY Even thought the baby is only 6 weeks old) and the “I’ll just oull out” really doesn’t work.  Can I “fix” him in his sleep since he won’t go and get fixed?!?! MEN

Oh well, at least I am smiling today.  I think the post pardum depression is finally working it’s way out of my system.  Now if the money problems start looking better, my life will be close to perfect.  My little bear (son) told me he loved me this morning, my frog (daughter) smiled and laughed out loud for the first time and my occational donkey (husband) told me he would be lost without me.  WHAT A WONDERFUL TUESDAY!  Welcome to my zoo.

Well, “you” did not take my credit card, I left it in my coat jacket.  It’s amazing how much of your mind you lose when you have children. 

So, the 3 year old was up at 4:30 AM wanting to watch Noggin and the 5 weeks old wanted her bottle.  How do you tell both children that mommy just wants 5 more minutes of sleep ?!?!  It did not work.  There I was with one eye open feed a baby and watching some show that made my son jump in bed for joy.  Bouncing beds and screaming children, is this how Friday morning is supposed to start?  Maybe it’s Monday and I just do not know it yet. 

I think now is a good time to start my meds.

It is Friday, I am blessed with 2 beautiful children.  It is a good day.

OK, I am officially worried.  We are not financially set in any way, shape or form.  I went to write a check this morning and my Bass Pro credit card is missing.  Of course, I call my husband and chew him for getting in my wallet, let alone my purse.  He tells me he never took it and blames it on my anxiety, depression – HAVING A BABY- and the fact that I keep losing things.  Well so sorry asshole, but that does not find my credit card.  So, now I get to worry all day long, until I make the 45 minute drive home to search the house and clothes.  Too bad I can not remember using it lately.

As far as the bipolar, crazy new mommy, the Dr. prescribed an antidepressant and the husband (you know the wonderful one from the above story) thinks I am less a woman, wife and mother if I have to rely on the meds.  As you guesses, I am not taking the meds.  I feel bad enough, don’t need the help of those who are supposed to love me.

Well, time for me and my pity party to take a hike before my pinata of tears opens wide.

I am starting to feel a little on the crazy side.  I went from having good and bad days to good and bad hours.  Will these “wonderful” hormones ever balance themselves out?  I do not like being a psyco bitch, but my body seems to like it a whole lot.  If anyone sees my husband, tell him I am seriously trying to find the wife he married, not the crazy hag that lives at the house right now. Between the crying infant, screaming toddler and sex crazed husband – where does a sobbing mommy and wife catch a break?  Do they not realize I am only 1 person trying to fill the shoes of too many people.  I know, I know, women have done this for years, but I am feeling like I am one of the outcasts that really can not handle this.  Is there any    f-ing hope?

On alighter note, I had my hair cut last night, 6 inches off.  So I look like a “new woman”, now hopefully I can start feeling like one. The Dear husband thought the hair cut was an open door to “Baby do me right now !!”, too bad the deadbolt will be lock for another 2 weeks!